Welcome to The Truth in His Art. I am your host, Rob Lee. Thank you for tuning in to my conversations at the intersection of arts, culture, and community. Today, I am privileged and really excited to speak with my next guest, an actor, speaker, playwright, TV writer, who draws from her own experiences to tell stories about resilience and amplify marginalized voices. My guest is passionate about the transformative power of theater, and she finds joy in inspiring future generations through her work with youth.
Rob Lee:Please welcome Tanya Everett. Welcome to the
Tanya Everett:podcast. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. It's been a wonderful journey just to get to here, so I'm excited to to be in the space with you.
Rob Lee:Like likewise. It's it's it's just great, and, you know, it's one of those things that I'm rarely afforded, To peel back the curtain a little bit before we get into, like, the the introduction introduction, it it's rare that, you know, I talk to a person, have a really engaging conversation before the interview. It's like we become friends after the interview. Usually, my interviews are like blind dates.
Tanya Everett:That that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No.
Tanya Everett:No. Not not this one. We were like, we should continue this conversation. It's going well. Right?
Tanya Everett:Like, let's let's make this make this a thing. So, yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna say that that that happens to me a lot. I think I have one of those faces where people tell me their whole life story. I don't know if the light skin thing or what it is.
Rob Lee:So disarming.
Tanya Everett:It's so disarming. You're so personable. You know? So yeah. No.
Tanya Everett:I I really appreciated that, and just, like, who you were and how engaged you were, and, it was it was easy. So, yeah, it was great.
Rob Lee:And we're we're we're here and doing it in this format. So this gonna be really, really cool. And, you know, as I like to start off because, and I I was sharing a bit about this earlier before we got started. I think inevitably, I get those those, bios, those artist statements. All of those things, sometimes they're out of date.
Rob Lee:Sometimes they're not the most accurate. So the way for me to curb that, keep my cell phone point, little CYA, if you will, is to invite the guests, you in this instance, to tell tell us a bit about yourself, introduce yourself, tell us a bit about yourself. And I have a second bullet point, but I at least wanna start there.
Tanya Everett:Okay. Yeah. So, well, I'm a writer, actor, storyteller, sort of multi hyphenate in that way. I'm also a speaker. I just recently did a TEDx, on grief.
Tanya Everett:I'm in the process of writing a memoir about grief, and I'm a playwright, and I've written for television. I've written a couple of movies. So I I have I wear a lot of different hats. I'm also an educator. I worked at Brooklyn College where I got my MFA, and, I believe that education is a part of my ministry.
Tanya Everett:It's part of, you know, who I am. So, even through my art, I want to be finding ways to heal and teach and, communicate in that way. I'm an auntie. Look. I'm I'm legitimately an auntie at this point, and a cat mom.
Tanya Everett:My cat may come through at some point. And, I travel a lot, actually, as a as a thing that I feel like is not in my bio is I I try to travel a good amount, and I'm not. I think this summer, I plan to go to, Saint John at least, but I'm hoping to also get to the UK again. So yeah.
Rob Lee:The the the that's Aquarius. So we have that wanderlust. It's like, okay. I gotta I gotta make moves. I gotta see the world.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. I don't understand how you can have a, you know, a no shade. The American economy is really bad, but if you have the American passport, you got the, like,
Tanya Everett:platinum of passports. You better use it. You know?
Tanya Everett:That's all I'm saying.
Rob Lee:100%. So I'm gonna ask ask this sort of sort of question. And in this this this the second bullet point, if you will
Tanya Everett:It is.
Rob Lee:It it's it's still kinda thinking a bit back, and I I use the term strangeness. I have it. I I'm a person that talks a lot. I'm always looking to get to the root of things. Do you embrace how we how would you define your quote, unquote strangeness, those unique traits that make you you, that make you, like, able to be that multi hyphen and to have that interest to be that multi hyphen and how do you embrace it?
Tanya Everett:You know, I love that. I really love that question, and I honestly wasn't quite sure how to answer it. But my first thought theater is it's actually the thing that is the most important part of my art. Right, is the weirdness, is the quirkiness, is the I was working on a self tape today, and, you know, one of the things I coach a lot, my coach was like, there's just this weird, lovely quality that you have when you're not worried about what people think about you or notice that you're worried about people thinking about you. Right?
Tanya Everett:And embracing that embracing that, I have a unique unique view of the world. My TED, talk was important to look at how I viewed grief through humor. Right? And that there was a sense of, like, weirdness to that. And I think when people see your grief, they're like, please don't make me do that.
Tanya Everett:That sounds awful. And I'm like, no. What if we could laugh at ourselves? What if we can be in a in a lighter space with it even though it's heavy? So I think that it's something that I continue to mind for.
Tanya Everett:Like, what's my version of this, and can I embrace it? Can I really lean in to that? You know?
Rob Lee:That's that's that's good. And and watching that, we're definitely gonna talk more about the TEDx, more about the TED talk because, you know, I I had feelings. So we'll we'll we'll dive into it. We'll we'll dive it. It it this black heart that's made out of concrete had feelings.
Rob Lee:So, you know, you know, they say, you know, we don't really have those emotions I didn't even feeling.
Tanya Everett:Onion situation happening.
Rob Lee:It was a couple of thub tears. I was like, alright. So I I I remember, like, maybe 2 years ago, I did this interview with, you know, a person with the theater background and its music and all of the stuff, and she she identified something for me that I've carried with me since about those sort of early moments. And I I was joking about being terrified of the stage that, you know, I was 64, I can't hide. I'm like, can I get behind a tree or something?
Rob Lee:What can we do? And, and she was like, I feel like you did something creative early on that you're probably overlooking. And I was like, it wasn't masters of ceremony. It's like a 5 year old, and I have no you know, I'm thinking of that now sweating a little bit, like, oh, no. Uh-huh.
Rob Lee:But it it happened. And, You know, in looking back on that, you know, just trying to tap back into that experience so so many years ago, there's something from it that I can apply to it, and maybe this was like predestined or preordained in some ways, and because it was so early. So when you think back of sort of your arc, your your life, is there an early, early creative moment or period where you're like, yeah, that was one of those early things. I still look back at it and you you see it. Is there something in yours?
Tanya Everett:Definitely. I was 4 or 5, I think, and there was a school play. And I remember what I was wearing. I was in, like, a little blue skirt thing and and matching bows and all the things because I was a little dull. And we were supposed to do the performance, like, you know, you're bouncing on your knees, this kind of thing.
Tanya Everett:And for some reason, I didn't wanna do it. And I crossed my arms, and I stood in front, and I crossed my arms, and people laughed. And they and they and they laughed. And and I was like, if I do more of this, they'll laugh more. And and I remember being like, what is this power?
Tanya Everett:Like, what is happening right now? You know, I'm I'm a baby. Right? Like a child. But that was when I one of my first memories of loving the stage and loving the connection to to an audience like that.
Tanya Everett:And then my second memory is, so I did children's theater, in hometown, Quincy, Massachusetts. I the weird repping Massachusetts. But Just pop down
Rob Lee:a little bit.
Tanya Everett:It's what it is, where I'm originally from. I I call myself a a New Yorker, by way of mass, so I've been in New York for much for most of my adult life. But I was in this children's theater play, and I was playing Pocahontas because inappropriate. But, you know, there I went up. My I went so, the term is I went up, so I I lost my lines.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. And, this little boy who is more experienced actor than me, he improv'd to get us back to the scene. And I remember, again, lights in my eyes, You know, imagine this, like, little, like, schoolhouse theater kind of thing. But he got us back on track, and I was like, that is another version of magic. Like, the idea that we could be we could make a mistake in public, but fix it and and still somehow come out, was just this most exhilarating feeling.
Tanya Everett:So, yeah, both those experiences stick in my head.
Rob Lee:Yeah. That's great. I think I I think I may have sent you one of the last time I was actually in front of a large audience of people, a large group of people, and I I had so many nerves because I was gonna lose all of my I was like, I got this thing planned. It's gonna go great. And trying to, like, you know, think through it and then try to actualize it all of that.
Rob Lee:And, you know, usually, it doesn't work out for me. Usually, I, like, fumble the rock at the 1 yard line, and it's like, it's going to touch now, Rob. And I kinda botched it a little bit, but I'm good enough that I can hide it. I can compartmentalize my, damn it, to really get across something. And it it was a thing that, you know, I've I learned from a friend.
Rob Lee:It's like, yeah, I know what you're doing. You know? They don't know what to think now. Granted, it's not seen the play before, and if it's a play I'm in or something like that, that's the difference. I say, yo, those are not the lines at all.
Rob Lee:Yeah. But when you're able to get back at it and you show that sort of confidence, that creative confidence will have you because getting on the stage and doing anything, it's it's a thing. It's it can be scary. It can be frightening, all of that stuff. So being able to have that, I guess, with courage under fire, I suppose.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. That's what I feel is that part of it is, life is that. Right? Life is you know? And I think a lot of theater experiences or live performance of any kind, music, dance, you know, you can't do it over again.
Tanya Everett:There are no do overs. So, you know, you get on the subway and you think you're gonna go, I know you're here in New York sometimes. So, you get on the f, and the f decides if it's gonna go local or it's gonna go past your stop. And then you have to pivot and figure out how to get you know? And I feel like that's kind of life.
Tanya Everett:Right? Like, you don't really know what your train's gonna where your train's gonna go. You have to adapt to the, you know, to the river, to the to the current. And I I think there's a lot of really useful information that people, and especially young people, can get by being in live performance even if they're never gonna be a performer. Yeah.
Rob Lee:So two things. I think that it's it's a good comment. It's good that you mentioned the train. 1, I call it riding the wave, of course. 2.
Rob Lee:2. So the the last time I was I was in New York about last year and or maybe 2 no. It was last year. And I just Ubered everywhere because I was like, I refuse to train that.
Tanya Everett:You went on the Ubers?
Rob Lee:I've been
Tanya Everett:how'd that go? Tell me about that.
Rob Lee:No. I was good. I was good. You know? But I've
Tanya Everett:been down Manhattan? Like You
Rob Lee:know, to Brooklyn at one point? I I I was out here bugging.
Tanya Everett:To Brooklyn, yes. But, like, when you're in Manhattan, it's
Tanya Everett:it takes more time, I feel like, usually.
Rob Lee:So so this this year, I I wanted the challenge. Right? So I got on the train, and because I got had a panic attack. I was just like, this is not good because I got off at the wrong stop. I was like, bush, wait, flat bush.
Rob Lee:Those are the same place. Like, no, they're not. So I was really out of sorts. So this year, going up there, I was like, I'm gonna conquer this, and, of course, I was on the f train. So when you mentioned that, I started, like, yes.
Tanya Everett:That's so funny.
Rob Lee:And I saw that that what you were talking about. I was like, man, did I miss my stop? Am I going in the wrong direction?
Tanya Everett:Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's not intuitive entirely, but it's it is a really good system because I've been in LA for a couple of years.
Tanya Everett:And, you know, LA's system is it's not meant for human consumption. Right? It's it's very, very challenging. It makes more sense for you to Uber there, because things are so spread out. But New York is like once you get the rhythm of it, it's it's very functional.
Tanya Everett:Right? It's functional to the point of, the best that America has. You know, you go other places and you're like, oh, we we just we have to dumb it down. It is what it is.
Rob Lee:That's that's the feeling I had when I did it. I felt like I conquered something, and I was like, man, I'm gonna go over that hollum now. I was talking wild. And
Tanya Everett:That's it. No. But you'll go there, and you'll
Tanya Everett:be like, oh, why is it so much easier? Like, that's the that's the challenge. It's like, why does it actually function much better? Like, each set of subway, like, in Paris or, London, when you go, you go one side or the other side, you know exactly where it's going because they have a a list of the stops. You don't have to, like, find the map and crawl over a homeless person and punch a baby.
Tanya Everett:Like, you don't do any of that. You just it's just there. It's just there. So yeah. Yeah.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Yeah. But I'm proud of you.
Tanya Everett:And now now you can
Tanya Everett:do it. Look at that. Look at that.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Yeah.
Rob Lee:I felt accomplished. I, you know, I got my culture this past time, this past go around.
Tanya Everett:That's it. Did your friends make fun of you for using the obers
Rob Lee:for me? Last year, yes. My, curator friend, she's Dominican. She was like, Poppy, what are you doing? I was just like, I don't know what to do with that.
Tanya Everett:No one uses Uber unless it's raining. Like, that's that's not a thing. That's what I like about being back. I went in the city well, I went into Brooklyn today, and I was like, this is so easy. You know?
Tanya Everett:Like, it's so nice that it's easy. Baltimore doesn't have a a subway like that?
Rob Lee:It's it's not as it's not as complex. It's kinda like, what is it, east to west. That's kinda that. We have, like, the light road north to south. So I like DCs a bit better than what we have here in Baltimore.
Rob Lee:And I I gotta do DCs next. But, yeah, as I conquer these different, mass transit, mechanisms.
Tanya Everett:Oh, got it.
Rob Lee:So so going back into it because I'm sure people are like, why are you talking about trains? So it's like, look, man. You see actors all Metaphor, though. So in in in moving along in your in your career, right, you in these different experiences that you have multi hyphenate. Right?
Rob Lee:Mhmm. So what what is a a lesson or an experience that comes to mind that, you know, you really gain from one of those, like, early, like, opportunities, whether it be from a writing perspective, whether it be because I I think I've read movement as a part of your background, dance as well. So any of those, like, early experiences in any of the multi hyphenate areas, right, that you carry on, and you're like, hey. I can look back on that. You know, because you had the really young, like, you were a baby, really young experience, but one of the more, like, a little bit later and it's like, oh, I'm gonna write this or I'm gonna take from here.
Rob Lee:It the what what comes to mind for you?
Tanya Everett:So the first thing that, came up is is the collaboration. You know, I'm a teach I've been a teaching artist and a and an educator, and, I really believe that, you know, art has this intense collaboration that's required. And, you know, as a professional artist, right, as somebody that's worked, you know, in different areas, produced my own work, and, also, you know, worked on sets and worked in theater. And each of these require sometimes, you know, 40, 50, movie sets, hundreds of people. The collaboration, being able to to be a functional member of a web, but also over the years to to learn how to lead in those spaces and to learn how to lead in a way that's an intentional and and kind.
Tanya Everett:You know, I think that our industry is going through this really big upheaval because we never really thought about the people, the personnel behind it. Right? It was this giant cash moneymaker. And now it's like, wait. But there are human beings behind that.
Tanya Everett:And nonprofits and a a lot of these other sectors are thinking about it because it's a part of their model of sorts. Right? They think about people, whereas my industry, that can be, like, the after the fact. Oh, oh, we have to service their bodily needs, you know, or or or we should think about how black women's hair is done on set, you know. So I think that my early lessons were being a collaborator, learning how to be, you know, in a team, on a dance team, learning how to feed off of each other, you know, listening and responding, really being present with people.
Tanya Everett:Like, all of those things are are integral to art, and I think we forget about them as soon as, like, a paycheck comes or, you know, the the the stress of something happens. And I I really go back to that early sense of, like, can I be, an important and vital part of this even if I have a small part? You know? Like, there are no small parts. There are only small egos.
Tanya Everett:So, yeah, I think the collaboration is really, really key. And it's it's the thing that I I love, like, you know, writer's room or being in a play. Rehearsal room is my favorite place in the world. I don't know if everyone loves that, but being in a rehearsal room is where the magic happens. Right?
Tanya Everett:No one knows what's gonna happen when an audience comes, but the rehearsal room is where you try stuff and you can fail and, invent things and throw things out and and and rip it all to shreds. And I just love the rehearsal room so, so much. Yeah. Long wooden answer.
Rob Lee:No. No. No. Look. You know, you when when I get the long winning answer, you you creative types, you know, like, that's I gave you too much.
Rob Lee:It's like, no. No. You gave me just enough. I could stop crossing out questions. I'm like, you know, you're making my job easy.
Rob Lee:Yeah. Sound bites. I I think the other one of the other things I'm I'm curious about as as we're we're we're going riding away through through the questions. So is there is there a character, like, you know, from whether it on a project you've worked on? Actually, let me step back.
Rob Lee:I wanna step back real quick. Collaboration. I definitely wanna talk about that a little bit because I wanna touch on that just from this perspective. This in itself, right, is a collaborative thing.
Tanya Everett:Yes.
Rob Lee:And not everybody kinda understands it, you know, in that way. I pitch it as, hey, I got this. I'm just trying to make sure I'm prepared. I have my questions. And I've seen some weird interviews online recently recently where people are not prepared and don't know about the guest.
Rob Lee:So I try not to do that, and I try to be prepared and, really, I wanna have the person on because I'm interested in their work. On the flip side of it, because it's collaborative by nature, it's a sort of give and take there. So if the person has, like, weird energy, they got different things going on, then it's gonna fall flat, like, the, you know, regardless of how much energy or questions that I put out there to try to, like, here here's here's the here's the, you know, the thing for you to reach for. You know, here's the carrot, if you will. They're like, I got nothing.
Tanya Everett:Yeah.
Rob Lee:Makes for sort of a crappy conversation and a crappy sort of collaborative communication is that, conversation is that. You know? Somebody as good as the people in it, I think.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. I think that the the most important part of it is knowing who your collaborators are. I think the, a big thing in in theater and TV and film, why casting is so hard.
Tanya Everett:And, shout out to my friend, Destiny Lilly. She'll be very happy that I shout her out. She is a casting director at Chelsea, and she cast The The Color Purple, recently. And, she has been nominated for an Emmy for Only Murders in the Building. And she took me to the Emmys this year.
Tanya Everett:And, you know, the casting she's also the president of the casting association. You know, she's a big deal. She's a big deal. But she's my friend. And and the reason I bring her up is casting, I think, is an unsung art.
Tanya Everett:Mhmm. And it is that is where the collaboration really clearly clicks is if you get the right actors and the right director and the right, you know, set designers and, a friend of mine is in lighting design at NYU. And all of those shout out to Lauren. And, I love the idea that that each of those pieces are part of a giant puzzle that you as a consumer will come see, and all you'll see is, you know, the actors. Right?
Tanya Everett:And there's something about, having produced and having done things behind the scenes more, being a writer, that gives me a lot of permission and a lot of freedom in terms of performance and and storytelling because I know that the casting part is just not about me per se. Even though it is me as a person who is may or may not be getting the job, I'm just one of, like, so many humans on a on a giant call sheet, of sorts. And I think the times where those people have come together and been in synchronicity, it's like this ballet. It's a real dance. It's really I think that's why we all do it actually is it's not necessarily the finished product, but it's coming together and knowing we're completing something.
Tanya Everett:It's the group project at school. It's a science project at school that let but it's like, that's your life. Yeah. And then then, you know, a lot of people didn't like the science project at school. And they were like, screw that.
Tanya Everett:Like, I don't I you know, helium isn't interesting to me. And they'd wanted to do their own thing. And that's how you become like a, you know, an author, and you write novels because you don't actually have to interact with people very often, you know, or or an editor. Right? Like, a lot of times, they're they're in their sort of silos.
Tanya Everett:But those of us that love the group project, that loved being in, community with each other, that loved throwing ideas out and trying to figure it out with people, I think those are those are the artist types. You know?
Rob Lee:That that that works in this way. When I think about the behind the scenes stuff in that group project setup, I was always the tech guy, the producer type, always the guy. Like, no. No. No.
Rob Lee:This is how it's gonna work. You you yeah. Yeah. You're pretty. You you you're tall and handsome.
Rob Lee:Yeah. You go do that. I'm gonna be back here, and I'm gonna make sure all of this works.
Tanya Everett:And we needed you. We totally needed you because, like, there wouldn't function otherwise, and we need a timekeeper. You know?
Tanya Everett:We need the different kinds of people. You know, I think it's a blink Malcolm Gladwell. I'm maybe watching this, but there are different, you know, there are connectors there, and I was always a connector. I was always like, you 2 need to know each other. And and I think that you as a tech person would be really helpful in this, and can you do this?
Tanya Everett:You know? So I'm I'm knowing your strengths and also knowing your weaknesses and knowing how to let other people this is where I think people fail at collaboration. It's like knowing how to let other people lead with what they are good at
Rob Lee:Yeah.
Tanya Everett:And empowering them to be good at what they are good at and not stepping on the toes of them saying, oh, I can do it better when you clearly cannot.
Rob Lee:Yeah.
Tanya Everett:Because no one is good at everything. I mean, unless you're a prince, rest in peace. You know?
Rob Lee:It's good. When I, when I I I do this running bit, and we'll we will talk about it more often. I I at least wanna share this before I move to next question.
Tanya Everett:Okay.
Rob Lee:You know, when I look at I I pay attention to credits, you know, especially the the the the pre the the the pre film credit, Gladys. And I'm like, oh, written, directed, starring, score. I'm like, wow. You, you're good at everything. I I do that in my head, and I'm like, this is gonna be a great flick.
Rob Lee:No issues with this one.
Tanya Everett:He's like, what is happening? And, again, a couple people. Right? Jordan Peele does a lot of stuff. He's super good at it.
Tanya Everett:Right? You know, I have a I have a ton of friends that are that are multi hibernates, but a lot of times they're not multi hibernates on the same project. And I think that that's another part of it. It's like, can you be a writer, actor, director, cinematographer, or gaffer, or what have you? A lot of times in the indie world, you have to do a lot of that stuff.
Tanya Everett:But if you could choose, would you do it all? Right?
Rob Lee:Right.
Tanya Everett:You know? So
Rob Lee:That's right. Well, I have a small fledgling team on this podcast production. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Tanya Everett:Uh-huh. That's it. You gotta do it. You have to have your team. You need your team.
Tanya Everett:The team you're also only as good, I think, as your team is.
Rob Lee:You know? Agreed. So the I had I had 2 more questions before we start talking about, you know, the TED Talk a bit. So I I wanna get your sense on whether it's a well, hear about an experience, whether it's, you know, being in that being in that tool, whether it's a character you've you've you've acted as or a character you've written or just character you've collaborated on, like, developing, Was there one that deeply resonated with you on an emotional level?
Tanya Everett:There have been several for sure. I will I will talk about 2. So years ago, I did this play. It has a funny title, but it's not a it's not a funny title. And I'll say why in a minute.
Tanya Everett:So it's called Munched. It is it is not it is not what we think. It is it is not a porn. It is, it was places here. Munchausen syndrome.
Tanya Everett:So, if you ever saw the 6th sense, for those of you that are watching, it's, that there's a scene or there's part of the the movie where, his mother makes him sick. He peep feeds eats him poison. So I played a woman whose mother was incarcerated for most of her life, wrongly. And she was wrongly accused of having Munchausen syndrome by proxy, which is not making your Munchausen syndrome is making yourself sick. Munchausen by proxy is making someone else sick.
Tanya Everett:And my mother, rest in peace, was incarcerated when I was when I was little. So I found playing a woman who lost their mother to the system very impactful and very cathartic, actually. It was an opportunity for me to I mean, my mom got out, And so I was able I had a relationship with her, but she had a very difficult relationship with the law. And and so I had a lot of empathy for this character, and I also found that her stoicism and cynicism was such a protective measure, against this woman that she didn't have a relationship with. And so there was a a part of me that was super grateful that I had a relationship with my mother, albeit whatever it was.
Tanya Everett:And, also, I think that was the beginning of a journey to forgiving her, you know, for really understanding that I could never have walked in her shoes. I could never I am, like, the furthest thing from someone who could, like, live through being imprisoned. Right? Like, I I I went to IVs and and I I I go to Spain and and and, you know, Greece and Poland and, like, you know, my my life from my mother's is as far different as you could possibly imagine. And I think that playing that character made me really ask, like, what do I even know about her?
Tanya Everett:You know? Like, what could I even possibly know about the 20 plus years that she had before she had me and the life that she's leading right now, at that time. And it was it was real, like, Mother's Day is coming up. Right? And and the idea that, I thought about having a a daughter's day, because I feel like we never celebrate the idea that women aren't all mothers, but we are all daughters.
Tanya Everett:And and and it kinda clicked to me, like, what are the experiences of trying to get to know your mother and and to really understand that she was a
Rob Lee:woman who was
Tanya Everett:also a daughter and title that was supposed title that was supposed to make her into whatever Donna Reed y, Phylicia Rashad character that you had put her in. And since I didn't have that mom anyway, I was like, well so, yeah. It was a really that was a really good one. Any questions about that? Because I I have one more.
Tanya Everett:But
Rob Lee:No. No. That that was that was It was
Tanya Everett:Good. Good.
Rob Lee:Good. Crawled.
Tanya Everett:Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah. I would say it's, it was I was, like, 10, 12 years ago now. So before she passed away, she passed away in, 2015.
Tanya Everett:And, it was definitely that was the one I don't know. Something about you losing your mother. You still have your mom?
Rob Lee:Yes.
Tanya Everett:I'm so happy for you. Happy Mother's Day to your mom. Yeah. It's something about losing your mother is, like, really disorienting, and and I think losing your father I I left my father when I was 10, so I don't have, like, the relationship. You know, my one of my very good friends, lost his father recently, and, you know, he's an adult.
Tanya Everett:So I don't know what that is like per se. I had a father figure that was very, very close to me, so I I have the concept. But, like, you know, I was a I was a kid when when my dad died. But so when I my mom left, I was like, oh, I am untethered. Like, this is the connection, the, like, umbilical cord that you have to, like, sci fi, really.
Tanya Everett:Right? You know? Like, she actually made you inside of her body. Like, there were just certain things that I I'll never I either there's questions that I really wanna put in my memoir for people to ask their parents. Right?
Tanya Everett:Because I'm like, you do not get another opportunity and once it's gone, like, you want to be like, so what's up with our medical history? Or you know, like real real stuff. Like, why did you make this choice at 10, 20, 30? Why did you make those choices at those pivotal pivotal moments, as a blueprint? You know?
Tanya Everett:So then the the one that just came up today was, I'm working on a a a project auditioning for a project, and I've been really interested in aging, actually, and the idea of aging. As I turned 40, I know, looking like a goddess.
Rob Lee:A 100%.
Tanya Everett:You know, these grays don't lie though. So so I so I I I'm I was working on a an audition today that, is about a woman who who, travel we see her travel from 7 to a 107. And I watched a documentary that I'm just plugging away right now. It's called life in the blue zones. Oh, yeah.
Tanya Everett:Right? And it just is I I wept after reading the play. I'm such an actor. I wept after reading the play. I know.
Tanya Everett:I know. I heard it. I heard it. I heard it. I I zoomed out of my body for
Tanya Everett:a second, and then I watched me say wept in a play in the same sentence, and I was like, that's,
Tanya Everett:yeah. That's really nice. That's really nice. But it was so extraordinary, and it so made me wonder about this pursuit that we have to capitalism and to to, making things. And, and one of the things that she wants at 18 is to have a big life.
Tanya Everett:Right? Like, a life that is is gonna be encompassing of all the magical things that 20 year olds want, and she gets swept up in making a family. And, you know, I feel like we're in this really interesting juxtaposition. I'm curious about how you feel about this, where it's like you either are on the career path or in a way that feels different than other times in history. You're either because the economy.
Tanya Everett:Right? Like, you're either on this path to, like, make a lot of money and be famous, you know, the Oprah's of the world, or you're having a family. Like and people are doing both. I'm not saying that they're not, but our generation is asking that question. What are the sacrifices to have it all?
Tanya Everett:And I think our generation is starting to say, we can't afford it. We can't.
Rob Lee:I agree, and and it it aligns with the wanderlust thing I mentioned earlier. Like, you know, I wanna be able to just drop and do not gonna give me 50, but drop and do whatever I I need at a particular time. And, you know, the nomad thing is alluring the sort of, hey. I go out. I travel.
Rob Lee:I have a crew or what have you that I'm meeting these different cities, and I'm doing these interviews, taking sort of this podcast on the road and this being sort of my very independent lane. And if I were to dive into the sort of family and that that thing
Tanya Everett:Yeah.
Rob Lee:I I would be a bit older, but also creeping up on 40, like, I'm, like, sneaking up on 40, and, you know, I I don't know what that looks like. It's almost like, you know, leaving the current setup to chase one's dreams, if you will. But I don't think that aligns with the family setup. And, yeah, that's that's kinda where it's at. I just think, like, the finances aren't there and sort of sacrificing what one wants, that's a that's a hell of a choice.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. And so that's, you know, what was so interesting about this particular piece and what sort of resonated with me is that life in the blue zones doesn't necessarily ask you to make the decision, but it does ask you to investigate community. Right? It asks you, like, who are your people? And, you know, those of us that are living these solo, thematic lifestyles, it's like you get to an age where you're like, who's gonna take care of me?
Tanya Everett:You know? Because
Rob Lee:Yeah.
Tanya Everett:You know? So it's that. It's like, is it chosen family? You know, it's something that I I preach a lot because I lost my family is, you know, really investigating chosen family and really investigating who who are your people. You know?
Tanya Everett:And that is, like, very specific. Like, if if people hear nothing else from this interview, like, who are your people, and do they have the passwords to your information? Do they have an extra set of keys? Like, what are you investigating as a as a reciprocal relationship, that can help you through all of life's things. Right?
Tanya Everett:And and the things that the the the documentary and even this play brought about was that at the end of your life, it's moments of, like, sheer connection. Right? And connection can absolutely be the people that you meet on your travels. That's that's another way of connecting, but it's investigating that. It's investigating who are you who and what are you pouring into.
Rob Lee:In a moment of extreme uncomfortability and transparency. And when I do this, I'm leading with friendship with the attempt at that. It's not being thirsty for friendship because I can I can just turn the lights off in here and just watch anime all day, but the the approach is that, is to connect with folks? And, you know, you you think it goes one way. You think you're like, oh, extended.
Rob Lee:Oh, we're we, you know, like mine, we have, like, similar energy, similar things, similar interests. And then other times, it's just like you think it's that, but it's more of, like, this was a show and it's really not that. And there is you know, and I've heard this from, well, you know, pretty pretty prominent dude in DC. We were talking about it a bit, and we had a little conversation off Mike, and he had mentioned, he's like, oh, down here? Super fake.
Rob Lee:He's like, don't don't fall for it. He's like, it's political, and I see that in certain pockets.
Tanya Everett:Mhmm.
Rob Lee:And I'm like, alright. Making it a on me not to be be be wounded, you know, wounded. But not to be wounded in that way of like, oh, I I extended friendship and it was onto the friendship, onto building that community and that connection. And, you know, I I learned that and because I'm coming out of it, that's why I'm I'm mentioning it. I I had this period where for about 6 to 8 months, I was I was a recluse.
Rob Lee:I was not around the community. No one seen me. And I just was doing a lot of heavy, like, weight lifting, all of this. I've dropped, like, a bunch of weight. And people, like, oh my god.
Rob Lee:Hey. You you know, it's like, hey. How are you? And I'm like, I really don't like being out here. So trying to figure out, like, is it the social thing or is it finding your people?
Rob Lee:And I've been able to, in that time, figure out who are my people and invest time and pour energy into those relationships and be open in building more, but a bit more reticent reserved.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. And I think you you stumbled upon something real. It's like, it's not just being out and being out. Right? It's not just being out and being you know, it's being with the folk.
Tanya Everett:It's being with your tribe. It's being with the people that are nourishing to you. And, you know, within what we do and how how we do it, it can be really hard to find the authenticity of that. What does it mean to actually find somebody who who cares about you and and who has the ability to pour into Right? Because those things aren't always the same.
Tanya Everett:Right. But, you know, I I I really have a mission and a real, like I don't like the word mission. But, intention. Like Yeah. Yeah.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because missions. You know, I have an intention to to try and spread that idea.
Tanya Everett:Pick your poison, girlfriends, living single friends. They all were shows that that reminded us that our family and our friends can be our family. Yeah. And, you know, that's the log line of friends is actually that point in your life where your friends are your family.
Rob Lee:Sure.
Tanya Everett:And my sort of, like, pushback to that is, what if your friends were always your family? Right? Because we all grew up with, like, play aunties and and what have you, and that's, you know, my friends' kids consider me their aunt. And yet we didn't codify that.
Rob Lee:You know?
Tanya Everett:We didn't say, oh, they're a like, oh, that's your aunt. That's your, oh, that's your uncle then. You know? But codifying it and saying they belong and that we belong in relation to each other and that we're gonna take care of each other. And I think that Americans really struggle with, like, blood ties versus chosen ties.
Tanya Everett:And I don't know if that I think culturally, that's that feels very American with the the 2 person household and the and the blood family, etcetera. And I've found that a lot more comfort and community with being intentional with all of my relationships, including my my biological family members. Something like, what have we signed up for?
Rob Lee:Right.
Tanya Everett:You know?
Rob Lee:What are
Tanya Everett:we what are we doing here? You know? Yeah.
Rob Lee:I mean, it's it's definitely something to I think that more people should be pondering and thinking through and con and considering because the way that things work somehow is just like, yeah, we're we're working with it, but that doesn't mean that it works.
Tanya Everett:That's it. The way
Rob Lee:that we're we're going about it and
Tanya Everett:Doing it. But Yeah.
Tanya Everett:You know.
Rob Lee:And and and and as I said, like, I'll I'm not a drastic dude, but I'll do, like, let me remove myself from this. Let me ponder. Let me chew on this for a little bit, and then come back to it with a different sort of perspective. And, you know, and I'll say this last thing before moving to you, because I wanna definitely talk about TED Talk. I I I would do this thing where it's just like, alright, I've chewed on this a bit, now I kind of have a better context of it, and it's like, let me check on my people, let me connect with my people, and in doing this, this is how I meet a lot of people, I suppose.
Rob Lee:You know, probably 2% of the people actually have my number, that I actually contact me directly. That's it's a rare gift friendship, you know, to quote Hannibal.
Tanya Everett:So I think we did
Tanya Everett:the number thing already, didn't we?
Rob Lee:We did. We did. Okay.
Tanya Everett:But it's fair. I think we I think we're already there, Rex.
Rob Lee:Yo, yo, yo. Rob Lee here. We'll get back to the conversation in a moment, but I want to encourage you to leave us a quick review. Five stars. Whatever you think we deserve, 5 stars is always appreciated, and, write a comment.
Rob Lee:Really, let us know what you think. This is, my podcast as much as it is the community's podcast, and, yeah, have your voice heard, share, dive back into the archives. You know, we're approaching 800 episodes at this point, so definitely, you know, let's keep rocking and rolling, but let us know what you think. Now back to the pod. So I wanna talk a bit about the TED talk.
Rob Lee:So, you you discussed learning the grief dance and the idea that the only way out is through. So could you, you know, speak on, like, working on the talk, working on the performance? How was it perhaps different from other things that you've done in in your multi hyphenate career? I I have a sense of how it is because it's very personal, but I wanna at least, like, open the floor for you to discuss.
Tanya Everett:Yes. I mean, I didn't imagine I couldn't have imagined how much work it was. That's that's the first thing I'll say is I think a lot of people, you know, watch TEDS, and they're like, oh, they aren't very good or what have you. And they're hard. They're actually very, very hard.
Tanya Everett:So so it was tremendous amount of work. I had a coach. Shout out to Andrew Weiss. And, I also coached with, my dance teacher, Minor, in LA and, my good friend Clinton and, another friend of mine, Eric, it'd be Anthony Clinton Lowe. And those all of those humans were a part of the prework.
Tanya Everett:Right? The the just, the writing of the talk, was tremendously personal. Right? Like, writing a personal essay, but writing a personal essay that you're gonna perform Yeah. I think is it's just a different you know, it it's different.
Tanya Everett:One thing to write an essay and knowing people will read it. Right? And saying, but I will be somewhere else while they read it. Right? So if I send it to you and you read my essay, I can be hiding in the bathroom and, you know, not have to watch you in real time.
Tanya Everett:Mhmm. And this particular experience, for those of you if you haven't seen the talk yet, is about, you know, some of the worst things that happened to me in my my life. You know, losing people in my life that were so close to me. And, you know, I have some pictures up on my altar that I'm looking at right now where there are those people all the people in the picture are gone. You know?
Tanya Everett:Or it's just me and my brother. And, you know, I had 2 sets of a of parents. I had an adoptive set. So my grandmother and her partner raised me. And my mom and my and my dad, also all have passed away.
Tanya Everett:So and then I had a stepfather and and several other, you know, grandparents and close friends. And so there was just a string a string of experiences where people were were, you know, get cancer around the same time. And I I was I was trying to keep it together, right, for so long and trying to navigate loss in a way that I think was really alienating to the people around me. You know, and I need to ask more questions about that. But, like, it it almost felt fictional how much loss I was experiencing.
Tanya Everett:I guess it was before the pandemic. I think in the pandemic, people started to get it because they started losing a lot of people. And they were like you know? And the numbers were just, oh, I lost 10 members. I lost 15 you know?
Tanya Everett:It it but before that, you know, the 2019 before that, people in my age category were not experiencing loss like that. And so they were just like, that's a lot. Really? No. Like, that's a lot.
Tanya Everett:And, you know, we were in our thirties. Right? We're supposed to be going out and procreating and having fun and doing stuff, and I'm going to funerals and paying for funerals and stuff. So, it was the experience that I was trying to encapsulate in into words and into to performance was incredibly heavy for me. But I I wanted to bring a lot of lightness to it.
Tanya Everett:You know? And the goal was, you know, I I kept trying to figure out how to bring dance and my experience of loss together. And so the the thing that I did was that there was a metaphor for loss, through dance. Right? So the dance is used in the talk as a way to describe stages of grief.
Tanya Everett:So I think that the stages of grief are not linear, which the doctor that came up with those the the psychiatrist that came up with us, those Elizabeth Kubler Ross, you can really say it slow because it's a very annoying name. Bless you. Is came up with, you know, the 5 to 7 stages of grief. And she didn't mean them to be linear either. Right?
Tanya Everett:That wasn't the intention, but they were taught that way, and we've sort of heard them that way. So and we are a culture that likes to to to codify things. So 1 through 7, 1 through 5, you know, and we're gonna get to acceptance. And, you know, what I was finding was, you know, 5, 10, 15 years later, I might I lost my dad when I was 10. So 30 years ago, I'm still affected by that.
Tanya Everett:Father's Day is still hard. His birthday comes up. It's still hard. You know, people will will say things that they experience with their dad or girl dad or whatever, and I'm still triggered 30 years later. So there's something to be said about the stages of grief not being linear.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. And I think that dance as a as both a metaphor but also as a way of healing, that movement was a big part of my life, has always been a big part of my life. You know, in the pandemic, I started boxing, in the park across the street from me in Brooklyn. And, you know, I think a lot of us were there were people baking. There was people you know, boxing for me was like a way to really orient my brain and my body in a time where there felt like no fear at that.
Tanya Everett:Like, we didn't know what was happening or what was going to happen, but I could box, and I can punch something, and and and I could watch my body change and and really explore that. And I think about all of the times in my life where I've I've been moving intentionally have been better times. Even if the things that were going around me were chaos, organizing my physical body, because my physical body, actually, the body keeps a score. Right? So it's taking all this impact of the life stuff, and it's holding it in my tissues and in my cells.
Tanya Everett:And how do you let that pop out?
Tanya Everett:You know?
Rob Lee:Yeah. Thank you. It's it's I I've I've been around it. I'm the I'm in this spot where I'm the oldest of my I have a, you know, 2 half siblings. They're older, and then I have a younger brother who's kinda like, yeah.
Rob Lee:I'd be chilling. So that's that's sort of the energy. So I'm the one that's looked at, like, yo, you're you're the bearer of the name. You're the junior. So and, you know, I'm the person that has the codes and knows the things and the person that has to put on the the stoic face, and it was an instance maybe, you know, everyone's around.
Rob Lee:Everyone's still here, thankfully, and very, very fortunate for that. But there is the these moments where I try to, you know, be stoic about it and try to think of things in this sort of, you know, everything is a bit to me. I try to make everything comedy. Those are the instances when I'm unable to really do that. Yeah.
Rob Lee:Because it's just like, I need to be very business minded in business mindset. And the closest thing that I can relate to in recent years is probably 2018, when my my uncle passed, and it was circumstances that didn't really make a lot of sense, and kind of seeing, you know, my, my relatives get older and had started asking those questions and even thinking about sort of I was in attack attack mindset of, like, yeah, we need some answers to these questions, and I'm not really not getting them. So what are the levels of people I can talk to? I turned into a complete, like, but that was the the way. And, you know, it's just like, I need answers, and I think, you know, almost I'm I'm a very anti bully kinda guy, and I see the way that certain systems work.
Rob Lee:It's like the sort of lack of information of how things go. Mhmm. And this was, like, the pre processing. So inevitably, you know, my, you know, my my uncle had an allergic reaction to, like, shellfish, and he he was in a he was in a home. And it was just like, all of this is being monitored.
Rob Lee:I was like, so I need some better understanding of this and, you know, and ultimately, just asking the questions. Right? And as you remember, when when he passed, it really affected my dad because that's his his his brother, that's his, you know, his guy. And and he he'd asked me, and it's the thing that we we do, and I'm I'm not one of those, I don't really have, like, the biggest belief system, but it is the thing that we do. It's like, well, you know, he's passed, do you wanna go in there and see him?
Rob Lee:I was like, no. No. I I I I've seen him. I I saw him yesterday. I saw him before he's passed.
Rob Lee:That's not him anymore. And that's the way I conceptualize that, and that's the way that I've kinda looked at that for years, and the sort like, well I'm like, well, that's how I am because I'm an individual, and and each time, I would imagine, might be different depending on the person and depending on the circumstance. But I was like, in this moment, I was like, I'm gonna remember how much I dug my uncle, how how cool I thought he was. And in that circumstance, that's I don't want that to be the final memory. You know?
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Totally. I totally agree with that. I mean, you know, I I I'm I'm a believer that, we need rituals to to help us process, but I'm curious about how those rituals can be updated and transformed. You know, I have planned a good amount of funerals now.
Tanya Everett:I am a almost a professional eulogizer at this point. I've done it so much. I've easily done, like, half a dozen eulogies at this point. I know it's dumb. It's dumb.
Tanya Everett:And I've been to, like, I don't know, 20 funerals, maybe more. You know, all ages. Yeah. So, you know, when you've experienced a lot of loss and you've experienced a lot of, the same funerals, which, you know, the funeral industry and the wedding industry are similar industries. And, also, have you noticed that it's the same song?
Tanya Everett:My favorite. It's my favorite little it's like the same kinda dirge, you know.
Rob Lee:One part of you is dying and the other
Tanya Everett:Just saying. I'm just saying. I always
Tanya Everett:say it's like, you know, if you're monogamous, it's like the end of your sex life. It's like a little sad. But, you know, the the concept of the rituals, the rituals being that they have to look a certain kind of way, and that I am curious about how the rituals can be, you know, something I say in the in the talk also is there's so many different ways to grieve. You know? And and more and more, I feel like the putting a person in a box and saying that on this Tuesday, a week after they died, we are going to gather in black and do this thing, and then we're never gonna talk about them again, which is an experience that I have had, a couple of times now where I'm like, are we ever gonna talk about this person again?
Tanya Everett:Like, are we ever gonna you know? And so I have an altar, and all of my relatives are up there. And, and some of my friends and some of their their people, I have little cards for them also. And, you know, I believe in ancestor worship. I believe in, you know, creating community around it.
Tanya Everett:I believe in keeping their memory alive because they are present. Right? They are a presence. If if energy can't be created, you know, we don't have to get wooed about it. If energy can't be created or destroyed, then your uncle, who is a full grown human and influenced you, still has a presence in in in the world.
Tanya Everett:And honoring that presence, you know, I think Coco does a really good job of of telling us and show and giving us a a window into, Mexico and Dia de los Muertos. And it's such a beautiful thing where they cross over, and, you know, they they but in order to be recognized, their relatives have to continue feeding them. Right? They have to continue to have their photo on their on their altar. And if their photo isn't on their altar, then they don't exist.
Tanya Everett:And, you know, that to me is such a you know, doing the talk really helped me conceptualize what I was feeling, which is like, I don't matter anymore.
Tanya Everett:Okay. Sometimes, you're not gonna get me caught up. Okay?
Tanya Everett:We're gonna get together. You know, there's a world in which, life is really in America, at least, is orchestrated around nuclear family. Yeah. Right? And as someone who is not married, not, you know, childless, and without parents, it's really like I don't exist.
Tanya Everett:You know? I don't I don't matter. Where do I where do I matter? You know? Who's whose house do I go to on Christmas?
Tanya Everett:Who's who's celebrating my birthday? And and when my parents died, I was like, man, I have been living according to these rules for so long that and and holding space for for for the elderly and for my for my people, for my folks.
Rob Lee:Yes.
Tanya Everett:And it it was a lot of sacrifice. You know? And it was a lot of a lot of giving. And so now, you know, both orchestrating my life towards towards service and towards, you know, being an auntie and towards being these things, but also that keeping their memory alive and doing the talk meant that I had a kind of lightness because I brought them into the room with me. You know?
Tanya Everett:And I your lives mattered, and our lives matter together. And and part of why I went through all of this, I believe, is because I am a storyteller. Right? And because I can make even the hardest thing that happened to me into a story that other people can consume. Because maybe you won't go through what I went through, but you will go through loss.
Tanya Everett:That is the one common denominator. That is the one thing that I know. Everyone's gonna experience loss in some way. It's not even just loss of people. Right?
Tanya Everett:Loss of the idea of the person that you thought you were gonna be 20 years ago. I was convinced I was already gonna be super famous and, you know, have a a kid and, I don't know, be like, have, like, a ranch and, 2.5 cats, you know, whatever. And, I
Rob Lee:number. Some specific number.
Tanya Everett:I got the cat, you know, so No.
Rob Lee:I I I will say I will say, like, in in in in listening to it and we, you know, we we got connected through through DJ, and Baldwin and Co, and then, you know, chatting with you and then checking out the the TED talk. It's just like, you know, it it it it got me in that in that way. It got me right in the feels. And, you know, having sort of a a similar thing, you know, where it's just like, you know, do I matter? What's there?
Rob Lee:And then my general inclination is I'd rather fight it. I'd rather fight that idea. I was like, I'm gonna just prove that. I'm great. I'm I'm kinda like, you know, come and get these flies off me because, you know, I'm the shit.
Rob Lee:And it is that. I think it was kinda. But, you know, it's it's gassing it up. And in those moments where you you may question, like, alright. Where where do I go?
Rob Lee:What do I do in this instance and so on? It's just like having that that that inventory, that group of people, and, you know, the thing that you touched on, like, you know, a bit ago where, you know, as as we age, who's the who's the person, you know, that that's there? Is it the I wanted to be robots, frankly. You know?
Tanya Everett:Oh, well, you I think you're in luck because I think that at least LA is teaching me that the robots are absolutely coming. They've already arrived. They're doing Uber Eats. There's already Rowan hot Rowan Hotels.
Rob Lee:The other thing no. The other thing that's interesting in doing this. Right? I let these podcasts roll sometimes, so we have enough of my audio, so I will live on. It's just AI is working.
Tanya Everett:Oh, man. So he's like he's like embrace it. Okay? Stop buying it.
Tanya Everett:Stop buying it. Don't buy. Don't buy.
Rob Lee:Just I ran this bit. I was just like, look, man. You know, I know the Japanese. I've been studying Japanese for, like, 250 days at this point. I've been diving deep
Tanya Everett:What what what can you say in Japanese?
Rob Lee:I guess I can say a few things. I've been looking at the the dirtier the dirtier ones.
Tanya Everett:I wasn't wow. Flushed. I think I'm mushed.
Rob Lee:What's what's the thing, Shiroi Hiro? So, like, shiroi, what is it? Shiroi Hito.
Tanya Everett:It's just a
Rob Lee:white person.
Tanya Everett:Oh. Oh, wow. That's how useful. That's a be able to mhmm.
Rob Lee:In Watashino, just like it's always I. I the word I is Watashino. It's wild. That's a long word for one letter. It's true.
Tanya Everett:That's true. That but it's also like it means that to me in the world view of the language to get, like, nerdy, it means that I has more space in.
Rob Lee:So you get it. You get it. But so so in it, you know, diving into the the culture a little bit and learning about the amount of sort of, you know, cremation and all of that stuff. I'm like, well, alright. And sort of, like, how that's looked at and, you know, just thinking past and sort of beyond what I think we've gotten as far as what that whole arc and that whole process looks like towards the end, you know, researching that and even going back into, like, meta physics and all of that stuff, it gives me some sense that this idea isn't the only idea, and that gives me solace.
Rob Lee:Mhmm. Instead of like, oh, you just process it in this way. One day, you'll be in a box, bing, bang, boom, and we're out. And it's like, I think it's more something more than that. And your your point a moment ago about, you know, do do are we talking about this person again?
Rob Lee:And, you know, I I've seen it, and I've called it out in my own circles, and I like these instances where we're able to, you know, find a way to celebrate the person after they're they're gone, whether it be, hey, we do this thing on their birthday or, you know, I don't do the tattoo thing. I got enough tattoos at this point. But
Tanya Everett:Oh my god. Who did you got?
Rob Lee:I only got 3 of them. I I wanna get a few more, but I don't do the tribute tattoo. It's just,
Tanya Everett:ah, I
Tanya Everett:think I might do a tribute tattoo. I I wanna do I need someone to design it, but I wanna do the women in my family, and then maybe, eventually, I'll do the men. But, you know, just, remembering the mothers and remembering the maybe I'll do that for Mother's Day this year.
Rob Lee:That should be interesting.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Because I I feel like the women in my family were very ballsy, and they were trying to buck tradition in times where, you know, they didn't have a lot of resources to figure out how to do that. But, they really were like, what do you mean men run things? Like, we run things. Like, I know I know I never really got that concept growing up.
Tanya Everett:So one of my first boyfriends was like, you're not domestic enough. And I was like, well, that wasn't modeled in my home. Like, you know, domesticity was something that was shared. And, yeah, that was that that what do you mean? I'm supposed to, like, cook and feed you and work?
Tanya Everett:Like, all of those things are
Rob Lee:You you probably noticed my face betrayed whatever was coming. I was like,
Tanya Everett:Yeah. No.
Rob Lee:My face does it.
Tanya Everett:It's a little thing. Real thing. Adult males still looking for their a lot some of them, you know, and I follow men. I am not a I I'm an equal opportunity lover. But I think that, you know, a lot of cultural conditioning has built in.
Tanya Everett:These are traditional roles. And and my question is, who are they serving anymore? If if men and women are both in the household, then, you know, and and also in the workforce, then we have to update them. That's all. You know?
Rob Lee:You know, you talk about division of labor and all of that different stuff. It's just like, you know, you do this stuff. I do that stuff. We can flip whatever it is.
Tanya Everett:Whatever you're you're good at because there's a you know,
Rob Lee:like Liberation.
Tanya Everett:What are you good at? Right? Like, let's not let's not say who your mom was good at, your grandpa, your your uncle. Like, what you good at? What you like to do?
Tanya Everett:Like, do you like to do do you want to do household labor, like, have to fix stuff? Is that what you wanna do? Because I don't I'm
Rob Lee:I'm good at everything. Right? So the thing is no. No. No.
Rob Lee:No. But but I will say this and I get I'm gonna move into this last question. I I will say this like, you know, as a as a person I was dating years ago. She was very into the reality TV. Oh.
Rob Lee:And so when you buy my dream house and, you know, you'll have your man cave. I was like, hold on. Run it back.
Tanya Everett:Like, what? Man cave?
Rob Lee:Man cave. I was like, am I a bear? What are you saying to me?
Tanya Everett:I didn't ask for that. Like, what?
Rob Lee:My eye roll was so I was like, yo, I am in the kitchen because I'm a better cook than you. Let's talk about it.
Tanya Everett:Sit down. Okay? You should get a drill and learn how to put stuff up.
Tanya Everett:Some of my some of my friends, my girlfriends are really good with a drill and, like, can, you know, and can are very good at building things. So, you know, this is we're just in a finally in a place where what are your actual strengths? What are your interests? And how can we contribute to each other? You know?
Tanya Everett:And I think that that is also the the radical vision that I have for family and for for life is, you know, what does it mean to be pouring into, right, to be pouring into a situation, to saying, you know, yes. We did lose a family member, but, like, we're all gonna show up together and do you know? And I I just think it it brings up a lot of stuff. Right? If you were struggling before your family member passed away, then you're probably gonna have a tough time when they go.
Tanya Everett:Right? So, you know, it's really a death to me is such a wonderful magnifier for how we're living. Like
Rob Lee:So that that actually makes me think of of this question in terms of sort of it's not subject subsequent work, but this has been like an arc of time that loss has been and and grief has been a a big big factor. Right? How has that shown up in your work in the writing and your sort of perspectives of maybe incorporating sort of humor in these moments that are like, you know, this is rough, but so we're gonna have this in there to kinda, you know, kinda, like, add a little bit of, you know, like, you know, what is it, juice with the, medicine?
Tanya Everett:Yes. Yes. Yes. So my, my work
Tanya Everett:primarily has had some kind of loss in it in the last, I would say, 8, 10 years. And it's been without, like, being annoying about it, it's it it's kind of my thing. Like, I I really am interested in grief and moments of transition and how they change everything. So the play that I wrote that was in in graduate school, I wrote 2 plays in graduate school that are the plays that I use the most. And and I use meaning, like, I share them with people, people read them, is, and and I've had readings of and gotten fellowships, etcetera, from is a a play called the dead black man.
Tanya Everett:And, it actually does have comedic elements in it. It is about, a black male narrative narrator who is who is dead. And, you know, it came out pre George Floyd. I wrote it in 2018 and 2019, and I've developed it over the last several years. But it's all about the projections that we have onto the black male body.
Tanya Everett:And, the narrator could be anybody. Right? He can be any black male. And in a lot of ways, it was my question about how did we get here, not just from white supremacy, but how we internalize our own biases and our own hatred, and what are what's the medicine to counteract that? You know?
Tanya Everett:What does it look like to let you, Rob, be an individual, that, you know, for the for for argument's sake, wants to wear a crown of flowers and, like, sit in the in the sun, and and maybe isn't, you know, counting statistics on a basketball game or, you know, I mean, whatever the things you wanna say. Right? And and not negating any of those things. But saying that the boxes that we put each other in, any boxes, but specifically black men, can be really damaging. And those are the boxes that dehumanize all of us and and allow us to be a statistic.
Tanya Everett:You know? So it's newspaper headlines that I I created in vignettes. So that and then, the play that I did for my showcase for Brooklyn College, which was at The Public. We had a workshop at The Public Theater in 2019. And, it's a queer queer women, who are in a love story.
Tanya Everett:It's 20 years of their their love, and, one of them dies in childbirth. So we're dealing with child you know, women's mortality and, women of color and how they're disproportionately dying, but also, the projections that her lover has on her after she passes. Like, the ways in which she puts her in a specific kind of box of, like, my love and then questioning, well, is that who she was? Right. And is that who we were?
Tanya Everett:And and did I get it right? You know? Is the the memory that I have of her even accurate? And so she's opening up a a wedding album, a a photo album, and going through the photos, and we're seeing the photos, come to life. So and that's called a and b.
Tanya Everett:So those are, you know, 2 pieces of work that I I that are dear to my heart that feel like love letters to my ancestors and to my my loved ones, and I continue to work on them. I did a workshop a couple of, in 22 where I performed in a and b. And that's, you know, what I'd like to do at some point is to make that into a film or or into a into a a play where I get to I get to play the lead role. So If
Rob Lee:you need, like, some, like, sort of, like, bellhop type or just some background player, just a giant background player that is
Tanya Everett:You could you don't
Tanya Everett:you go walk on. You go you go you you try to get your other you know what? You got a whole walk on role. You got this.
Tanya Everett:I got you. I got you.
Rob Lee:Because because here's the thing. I always hear, like, all actors are short and then me at 64 just walking by. Hey. How's it going? No.
Tanya Everett:You would you would be a security guard, I think. S.
Tanya Everett:Are you good with that? Can you can
Tanya Everett:you just check some box?
Tanya Everett:Like, I need you to just check ID. You got this?
Rob Lee:I'm good with it. I've been cast briefly. I was cast as a drug dealer. My scene was cut from We Own The City, but I was cast as a drug dealer. And, and it and it and it might have been, art art reflected life at one point.
Rob Lee:Who knows? But it was great. And I was like, oh, some people just didn't wear that? You don't say.
Tanya Everett:Wow. I mean, I mean, it it's set in a in a bar, so I will need a a I will need a bouncer. But the bounce that I had at that bar, because it was based on a real bar that I worked in, in the lower side, and those bouncers were actually bananas crazy. So I also can't wait to re because I remember one time I don't know if homeboy was on something or what. But he got in my face and was like, y'all women these days.
Tanya Everett:And I was like, first of all, don't start with y'all women these days. He said, y'all women these days, you just gold diggers. You looking for money. I was like, Sir. Sir.
Tanya Everett:I'm working in this bar right now.
Tanya Everett:Ain't nobody picking me up afterwards. I don't I do not like, I
Tanya Everett:don't know about y'all women, but I am not one of them.
Rob Lee:120%. Oh my gosh. So So I'm I'm gonna move into this last question. And this this is this is more of a this is a this is a thing I like to get a sense on from people of, like, when you get lost, like, through I think a lot of times when we have these processes, we work and we know the process really well, or we think we know the process, whether it comes to writing, whether it comes to preparing for work, or what have you. Right?
Rob Lee:And life is uncertainty.
Tanya Everett:Mhmm. Yes.
Rob Lee:When we're in doubt, you know, especially when it comes to the creative process, how do you get back to your sort of factory settings and, like, alright. What's true? How do you get back to it?
Tanya Everett:I mean, I literally just had a conversation with, Carolyn Michelle Smith about this yesterday, about life and in certain times because, you know, we're in, like, a really tough space within the industry. And, my first thing that I'll I'll say is I don't have, like, that answer. Right? But I because I I I I'm still currently figuring it out. Today's answer is I went and got a massage, because I I really believe in, you know, to to reference the TED again just to, is the somatics of it all.
Tanya Everett:It's like a lot of stuff that we as creatives, we use our bodies. We use our our, like, physical instrument in ways where it can need a tune up. You know? So be it, you know, exercise, be it, physical body work, be it dance or movement. Those are things that really nourish me and that there are things that I can go back to when I'm to get your factory setting thing.
Tanya Everett:I'm doing the artist's way right now again, and I think it's really, it's a really good system because you can just follow it, and it it goes to the end that it goes, but it requires certain things like going on an artist's date and, you know, looking at other artists' work and pulling from them. So much of art is borrowing. You know? So much of it is seeing Jordan Peele and saying, wow. That scene in Nope, is dope.
Tanya Everett:Nope is dope, by the way. There's a camp there were camps. I had a book club, with my friend Chris Halland, and it was like, nope was dope or nope was nope, and I was in the nope do camp. Were you nope or dope?
Rob Lee:Dope.
Tanya Everett:Dope. Right. Exactly. Nope is dope. Pyramid period ends.
Tanya Everett:So, you know, that opening scene where this giant sky. Right? You know? And and when in history have, like, black filmmakers made work that was that expansive and wild. Right?
Tanya Everett:And you can take that wherever you wanna go. You can take that in a scene around grief. You could take that as in a scene around birth, around a new beginning. You know, it's got a Thelma and Louise vibe. We need a black themed Thelma and Louise, like, you know, kinda thing, trademarked.
Tanya Everett:So that's, I think, another thing. It's just pulling from other other art and really not forcing myself to create if I don't have it, but saying, where can I pull from? What what's available to me? You know? I go back to my favorite shows.
Tanya Everett:I go back. I read plays. I go see plays. You know, being in New York is amazing, because there's just so much to see. You couldn't see it if you tried.
Tanya Everett:But, you know, there's an incredible play, I think, I told you about before called Sinking Ink, with my dear friend, Sangho Jikam, and all of my friends in it. And, it's the Apollo. It it just got started the previous May 7th. So, you know, there's so much art to see. You know, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz have a, art exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum that I wanna go to.
Tanya Everett:And, you know, when I was in LA, I was, you know, going to art exhibits out there and, and really just imbibing the nature in Los Angeles. Right? There's, like, hummingbirds in my backyard and, and and really being like, how can I be present with the with the earth? You know? Earth is constantly like, artists sometimes need motivation to do their art, but I noticed that in the natural world, they're just doing art every day.
Tanya Everett:Bees are humming and making their their thing, and and that's a creative act. Right? They make a thing happen every day. They pollinate every day for however long they're alive. So, you know, I think that the artists, how do we, pull from that natural the natural processes as well?
Rob Lee:That's that's a great response. And and and I think when I one of the takeaways for folks to to utilize, bees are makers. Never forget that.
Tanya Everett:We're making stuff and black the bees. Can we protect the bees? Like, we need them so much. My god. This is a it's a moment.
Tanya Everett:It's a moment in history. No, man. Wait. These rapid fire questions, did we do them already? No.
Rob Lee:Oh, they're they're right here. We're we're right here.
Tanya Everett:Okay. Oh, gosh. I'm excited. Alright.
Rob Lee:So here here's the rapid fire portion. As I tell everyone, you don't wanna overthink these, you know, whatever pops in your head. It's kinda like that saying. It's like, look, I said what I said. That's that's what it is.
Rob Lee:Okay. Alright. So here's the first one. Your go to tactic for overcoming stage fright or nerves.
Tanya Everett:I was swinging. Okay. First one is actually physical movement. I try to shake it out. So, I loosen up my jaw, and, pressure points here, pressure points in your toes, and grounding.
Tanya Everett:So I like to have my feet on the floor, without socks or shoes and, imagine that there's, like, roots growing through my feet, because, ultimately, your feet on the ground as long as you know your feet are on the ground, it's kinda hard to be as nervous. Right? Like Mhmm. You know, that's that's a technique that you can also use for, panic attacks is, like, changing the temperature. So, like, if you're hot, getting cold, etcetera.
Tanya Everett:And then and then just being like, I'm here. I'm present. And even the thing that's scaring me isn't true. What's true is that I'm here.
Rob Lee:That's good. I'm gonna utilize that. I have done the temperature thing. I do the identifying what's around the room thing, and I find once I'm in it once I can get through the starting part of it, then it's just my natural robisms comes out. And I got a I got a piece of advice when I did my creative mornings talk, not a TED Talk, but creative mornings talk from and I got a piece of advice from from d Watkins, and he was just, like, yo, start off with something you normally wouldn't do.
Rob Lee:And I was like, go on. And he was like, I start off with a joke. And I was like, I tried that, and I was like, I get the people on my side, and then, so in that video, I come out there with a prop. I'm not Gallagher. I'm not Curitop, but I have a prop, and then I did the self deprecating thing.
Rob Lee:People were on my side and I was able to just flow.
Tanya Everett:That's it. That's it. That was in Ted Love. She's he says that to her, to Rebecca when she's like he's she's like, I don't know what to do. I can't say that.
Tanya Everett:He he's like, what if you make fun of yourself? People like that. So, yeah, it's good.
Rob Lee:So here's the next one. What so so, obviously, you know, humor, comedy, I think that's a I think that's the language that we're both speaking in. What when when you're writing when you're you're you're any anything around the creative side of things. Right? What are the laughs you're looking for?
Rob Lee:And I know that might sound weird, but what are the laughs are you that you're looking for?
Tanya Everett:I'm always looking for the laugh. My favorite thing in in audience when I when I do something is to watch people in the audience react and see where they laugh and and note that. Sure. I'm often looking for the laugh that comes out of surprise or the laugh that rolls into a
Tanya Everett:a fry.
Tanya Everett:Like, I really want a stable laugh and then think or laugh and then catch themselves, a laugh that comes out of discomfort, or having, like, that, like, oh, am I supposed to be laughing right now? Yeah. Or the the laugh that's like, oh, and then she hit me with something. You know? That's there's, like, a kind of roller coaster ride that I like to see happen, and I'm doing that intentionally.
Tanya Everett:And I I like to see if it works.
Rob Lee:I like I like the laugh when someone's like, yeah, you dumb. I like I like that where they have to comment on it or the the one that's like, you know, you're silly. Like, they get it and it's delayed. It's like
Tanya Everett:They're like, where did that come from? How are
Rob Lee:you? You so stupid.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
Rob Lee:So I got 2 I got 2 more in these rapid fire questions. This now they get a little little weirder. Favorite destination? You're a traveler. So what's the favorite destination you've had, like, let's say in the last year because you've traveled a lot.
Rob Lee:So favorite destination you've you've you've visited in the last year?
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Last year. I would say that my favorite destination was my trip to Europe. Specifically, I went to Greece. I went to an island in Greece called Kefalonia, and it's just it's everything you imagine Greece to be.
Tanya Everett:It was for my very good friend's 40th birthday. And I made friends with these older women, after, she and, her other friends went back. I traveled in Greece for a little bit by myself, and women were in their fifties and sixties and, you know, had already had their kids. And, you know, they were living that sort of second stage of life that we kind of condemn women to. You know?
Tanya Everett:And and they were loving it. They were having a blast. They were grandmothers, and they were travelers. And, and they just took me around the island and showed me Greece and showed me their version of Greece. So
Rob Lee:That's that's dope. That's dope. Alright. Here here's the last one. Because I've I've heard I've had some controversy around the one the the thing that's on my mind.
Rob Lee:There's been some controversy around this particular item. You may not even pick this item when I ask this question, but if you do, we'll definitely go deeper into it. So but I gotta ask, what is your favorite soul food side dish?
Tanya Everett:Woah. Favorite? Yeah. Side dish.
Rob Lee:There's only really one answer, but I just wanna hear what you're what you're what you're taking.
Tanya Everett:You want one answer. There are so many possible answers. That is not there's so many dishes. What do you what do
Rob Lee:you I'm listening. I'm I'm hearing you. Oh. But also.
Tanya Everett:Man, man, oh, man. Okay. So it's a it's a it's a tie for me between because I have a dairy issue between mac and cheese and yams. So or sweet potatoes, whatever. But I I I, of course, the the the number one is is honestly mac and cheese.
Tanya Everett:And then the second one would be sweet sweet potatoes or yams.
Rob Lee:So See. See. That's the thing. Right? This is how I know it works because you answered it in the most right way and you made it even better because when the yams and the mac and cheese come together, right
Tanya Everett:Oh, my gosh. They say. Oh, fuck.
Rob Lee:But the thing is, the thing that got me, right, they they talk about, like, there were some, you know, people, some folks within the community, and I I side eye them. They kinda besmirch mac and cheese. They say, oh, man, it's just noodles and cheese. It's not even special. I'm like, yo.
Tanya Everett:Oh, hold up. Hold the phone. Calm down. Pump the brakes. Even if I can't ever eat
Tanya Everett:it again, it'll still be amazing.
Rob Lee:Yes. It's it's like and a black dude made it. I think that's who's credited with the original joint. So it's like, yo, this is like ours. It's like the high on the hog documentary.
Rob Lee:They talk about this dude.
Tanya Everett:Yeah. No. That's that is amazing. A and b, it has such an interesting tradition because my grandmother had you know, of course, from from my dad's side, has a version that, you know, she she wrote out for us. I've freaking lost the recipe like a jerk.
Tanya Everett:I know. Such a womp womp. I should've just taken a picture and put
Tanya Everett:it in a in a vial.
Tanya Everett:You know? Because I remember she wrote it out for me, and I she's like, keep this kind of thing. Right? But in that, all of us have a a version of it from family, and I think that that's what makes it so special. It's not just that we eat the food, but as we eat the food as a as an honoring to the lineage that that that that created this food out of out of so little.
Tanya Everett:Right? They didn't have. And, you know, now we can go to the corner store, and we really don't understand the the the the amazing shit that, like, I have a 24 hour store or, like, a soul food store up the block that has a buffet where I can get it literally right now at 6:48. And, like, they were like, that's the food for the week or what have you or the month. You know?
Tanya Everett:So just honoring that that the food that we are eating is Ahmed paying homage to them. You know?
Rob Lee:Now you you make me think about I wanna go to back up there in New York and go to a bodega and, like, look, Can I get, like, a bacon, egg, and cheese with mac and cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel toasted?
Tanya Everett:That sounds freaking amazing. I just I got back here, and I've been going crazy for cinnamon raisin bagels because you cannot get them in LA. And I've been like, I can't eat a bagel every day forever, but I cooked for the 1st week, and I absolutely have had them too.
Rob Lee:Yeah. We're we're on the same page. That is my favorite bagel. So shout out to you on that. And with that, that's
Tanya Everett:Yeah. Part of
Rob Lee:the podcast we did it. So there are 2 things I wanna do. There's 2 things I wanna do in these final moments here. 1, I wanna thank you so much for coming on to the podcast and spending some time with me. And 2, I wanna invite and encourage you to share with the listeners' social media website.
Rob Lee:Shameless plugs, really, is what we do at the end of
Tanya Everett:the day. Of. Love it. Thank you so much for having me, and for being so vulnerable and being open to this conversation. You know, I think when people hear grief, they do kinda shut down, so opening up.
Tanya Everett:And and my intention is just to bring people in into the conversations, into the to the room. And I wanna as I I often do, honor my my ancestors and and my parents for helping me with the story. My email and my my email, my, my website is tanya dot tonyaeverett.com. Tonyaeverett.com. And, my socials are also tonya.everett.
Tanya Everett:I'm on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook. I know. I know. I'm on the TikToks. I'm such an auntie about it.
Tanya Everett:I'm like, oh,
Tanya Everett:the TikToks? What's happening right now?
Tanya Everett:And, yes, I'm very vocal on Instagram specifically. So, you know, check out my lives, and and please, stay in touch. I'd love to to have your audience be my audience.
Rob Lee:And there you have it, folks. I'm gonna again thank the great Tanya Everett. And there you have it, folks. I want to again thank the great Tonya Everett for coming on to the podcast and spending some time with us. And I'm Rob Lee saying that there's art, culture and community in and around your neck of the woods.
Rob Lee:You've just got to look for it.
